On COVID, at Long Last

Morning Dispatch

Deborah Birx dies a little inside; Donald comes up with new ways to kill people.

It took four years, but I finally got COVID. For that I guess I have to thank going to the Democratic National Convention and being among more people than I’ve encountered in the last eight years combined.

I wore a mask 95% of the time, but it was no match for the packed shuttle and cab rides to a from the United Center; the crowded lounges at the arena, the throngs of people pushing their way through the halls, and a stadium so alive with humanity—and exhaling—that I didn’t stand a chance. Did I mention that I was one of only a handful of people who wore a mask? That didn’t help either.

It's hard to describe the experience of being in Chicago last week—a combination of exhaustion, exhilaration, pride, and a nagging anxiety (e.g.—how can this election be close? What are we going to do about the electoral college?). My plan, when I got home, was to write about the entire trip—from the twelve-hour drive west along I-80 through (Donald) Trump country, to the drive home, but fifteen minutes before I pulled into the parking lot a block from my building, I started shaking uncontrollably. Four hours into the trip I’d hit a wall of exhaustion, but attributed that to the fact that I hadn’t gotten more than four hours of sleep a night since Sunday. A headache had been developing since driving through the hills of eastern Pennsylvania. But it was a stressful and unhealthy week, so that made sense, too. But I couldn’t make sense of feeling so suddenly unwell. By the time I parked in the lot, I wasn’t sure if I could stand let alone walk the block home. But I managed. When I got to my apartment, I just wanted to get to bed, but I needed to take my temperature first, just so had had some idea what I was dealing with: 103.5 degrees. And then it hit me—the last time I had felt like this was in the hours after getting my very first COVID vaccine back in March 2021. At that point, even without taking the test, I was pretty sure I had COVID—which I do.

I’ve been much sicker in my life—a case of pneumonia that had me coughing up blood; asthma attacks that landed me in the hospital for days at a time hooked to an IV-drip of prednisone; and bouts of bronchitis so severe they sometimes required two or three courses of antibiotics before I started turning a corner. The difference is, I understood the contours of those illnesses—the symptoms, how I responded to the medications, how I knew I was on the mend.

COVID, on the other hand, is a bleak and unfamiliar landscape—there are no guideposts, and there’s no certainty you’ll find your way through. So far, it has felt like some combination of a bad case of the flu, a mild case of bronchitis, strep throat, and sleeping sickness—all familiar except as they’re occurring in combination—and a weird pressure behind my eyes and forehead that makes it impossible to open my eyes all the way, which, being completely unfamiliar, is quite alarming of all. Most alarming, of course, is the fact that I have a pre-existing respiratory illness which makes the crap-shoot that is COVID even more stressful—because nobody who gets this disease knows how it will progress or how serious it will be or if you’ll ever recover from it at all. I will never entirely understand how we came to treat this highly infections and deadly virus with such casual carelessness.

I’m deeply disappointed to have gotten COVID after all of this time. I also feel slightly ashamed, which is harder to make sense of. And then there’s some barely discernible anger (I don’t have the energy to grapple with it) aimed squarely at the psychotic and malicious people who purposefully mishandled the pandemic in 2020, which is why we’re all still dealing with this.

I will check in with you as I can. I have so much to say about the Democratic National Convention, the current state of the election, Kamala Harris’ ascendence and Donald’s glorious unraveling. In the meantime, thank you for your patience—and your understanding when it comes to what will undoubtedly be many typos.

Also, a reminder, my new book, Who Could Ever Love You comes out two weeks from tomorrow. I’m incredibly excited to have it out in the world. You can preorder it here and at the link below!