Hello, and welcome to this week's episode of Trump Trolls Trump. We are now 628 days into what I can only describe as a masterclass in how to run a country directly into the ground, and we're 24 days away from midterm elections that will determine whether we finally get to hold these people accountable or whether we're condemned to two more years of watching them destroy everything. Today we're taking a look back at week 90. You know the drill by now. We're here to mock and ridicule the most inept, corrupt, and genuinely dangerous administration this country has ever known.
Let me start with something that happened on Thursday. The White House hosted what they called a "New golden age of science" summit, and some of the biggest names in technology and science came to Washington. Elon Musk was there. Other accomplished people in their fields were there. It was supposed to be a serious event celebrating American innovation. Then they decided Donald needed a participation award because, well, his uncle was a professor at MIT. I suppose that's the logic we're working with now: your family member's accomplishments are your accomplishments. Good to know we've lowered that bar so dramatically.
But then Donald opened his mouth, and just when everyone thought things couldn’t get any dumber, they absolutely did. This is what he said about his uncle and the great physicist Nikola Tesla:
Interestingly, when you mentioned Tesla, my uncle, Dr. John Trump, was commissioned by the United States government to do a report on Nikola Tesla. They wanted to know was he real or not real? Was he a true genius or not? My uncle, after a fairly short period of time, determined that he was a true and great genius and that he was real in every single way. Otherwise, you’d have to change the name of the car company.
So my great uncle John, who was quite a brilliant man, I guess it skipped a generation, was tasked with trying to determine if an actual human being who also happened to be one of the most brilliant physicists of his generation was an actual real human being who was one of the most brilliant minds of his generation. I'm pretty sure my great uncle John had better things to do.
But we haven't even gotten to the most ridiculous thing Donald said at this science summit, which tells you something about the trajectory of his statements. At the same event, he made an announcement about hurricanes. I want you to sit down and buckle up, because apparently meteorologists have been missing something for years. There is such a thing as a water hurricane.
Donald: They also created the largest ever communication satellite network, Starlink. And in North Carolina, I will tell you personally, because I was involved, we had a hurricane, one of the great water hurricanes of all time delivered more water than at any time that we can remember or in record.
Yes, you read that correctly. That particular hurricane, separate and distinct from all others, was the wettest from the perspective of water because apparently that's never happened before in meteorological history. I'm sure meteorologists everywhere are kicking themselves for not thinking of that distinction. All these years documenting hurricanes, and they never once thought to check whether they had water in them.
If those last remarks left you with any doubt about Donald’s genius, he was kind enough to put those fears to rest with a post on his failing social media platform.
Yes, “super intelligence,” Oh, I see. When Donald tried to rename artificial intelligence and called it super intelligence a while back, apparently what he meant was that he was referring to himself. And that image proves it. But certainly when it comes to Donald, the intelligence part is sold separately, and even despite all of the billions of dollars he’s grifted from and stolen from the American people over the years, he still can’t afford it.
It’s strange that there’s a new poll showing Donald’s approval rating has now dropped to a low we have not seen since the end of his first term, when he tried to overthrow the government by inciting an insurrection and ordered his followers to storm the Capitol. This is not exactly where you want to be heading into the midterms, but clearly Donald thinks he is operating from a position of strength. Problem for him and the rest of the Republican Party is that nobody else thinks this. They’re all freaking out. The best thing Donald could do for the Republican Party, if he cared about them, would be to disappear until the day after the election. Instead, he’s making this election about himself, which is endangering the chances of any Republicans getting into office.
Next up we have Pete Hegseth, our so-called Secretary of Defense, whom I prefer to call Secretary of Excursions. Was he finally talking about something other than testosterone levels? Was he firing other military officers because they had beards or were too woke? Did he stop treating the press like a hostile foreign power? Did he maybe commit war crimes and get completely over his head in a war he doesn’t know how to win? The answer is that he remains overly concerned in a way that gives me pause, because this insecure little man is obsessed with other men’s testosterone levels, using his own twisted obsessions to get rid of career military officers because they don’t subscribe to his idea of what it means to be a man or a soldier. Obviously in his universe, soldiers can’t be men who believe in equality, women, or anybody who’s not white and Christian. That’s how we’re weakening our military while calling it strength.
Now let’s talk about Dr. Oz and his newest attempt to prove he understands how regular Americans live. You might remember his infamous crudités incident, when he went grocery shopping to seem relatable and instead demonstrated that he has absolutely no idea what anything costs in this country. Well, he’s back. This week he appeared on Fox News with Laura Ingraham and once again proved to the entire nation that he has no comprehension of the actual economy. He brought a jar of peanut butter as a prop to demonstrate his deep understanding of inflation. This is what he said:
We went grocery shopping, stick a butter bag of peanuts. Butter in America, that’s about a buck for a stick like this. If I charge you ten dollars, or are you shopping? It’s not a buck. It’s four. I just bought this, so it’s close to that. Maybe it’s going bad.
Laura Ingraham had to stop him and tell him the actual price. His solution to high grocery prices is to wait for your food to get rotten. That’s the plan. Forget day old bread. We’re moving straight to week old bread, month old bread, because mold has curative properties. Penicillin, am I right? We’ve reached a point where we need backyard chickens so we can afford eggs, and if we want the food to be more affordable, we just have to wait until it spoils. Perfect.
We’re 24 days away from midterms that will determine the future of this country. Get registered. Check your registration. Vote. Make sure everyone you know votes. Because the only banquet these people are setting is for themselves, and the only intelligence that’s super is the kind required to convince people like Oz and Bessent and the rest of this regime that they belong anywhere near power.
Thank you so much for joining us for this week’s episode of Trump Trolls Trump. Remember always, mockery is our superpower, and we will use it to hold these grifters and thieves to account.
Intelligence skipped his brain, too.
I worry every time Elon shows up in DC, especially around the lead up to an election. If Trump starts to brag that he doesn't need any votes (like he did the last election), then I'm pretty sure they are cooking up something.