Donald recently decided to take reporters on a tour of the White House grounds to show off one of his latest accomplishments. Apparently, among the most pressing issues facing the United States, he wanted to make sure the American people understood the finer points of flagpole design.
Donald: As you remember, I donated the flagpoles, one on each side, because the White House didn’t really have an appropriate American flag. It had a small one on top. We left that, but it didn’t have an appropriate American flag. And this is a great pole. This is the top of the line. It’s tapered. This isn’t a straight up and down job, which looks terrible, frankly. It’s a tapered pole. I’m very good at flagpoles.
Welcome to this week’s episode of Trump Trolls Trump. I’m Mary Trump, and I have to admit I do not know much about flagpoles. What I do know is that I do not want to hear the man who got us into a war lecture the country about whether a flagpole should be tapered or straight.
It is week 83 of the second Trump regime, and it is comforting to know that Donald continues to have his fingers firmly on the pulse of what really matters to the American people.
It has now been 579 days since the beginning of what has become the largest renovation project in American history. And when I say renovation, I mean the wholesale destruction of what used to be the People’s House. It is almost as though we hired a contractor who knew absolutely nothing about construction, immediately tore out every load bearing wall, demolished half the building, destroyed the pool, infuriated the neighbors, and somehow left us $40 trillion over budget.
Actually, that is almost exactly what happened.
Donald can insist he is a master builder all he wants, but all anybody has to do is look at the current condition of the White House grounds to understand the kind of builder he really is.
With the midterm elections now just 74 days away, campaigns around the country are becoming increasingly revealing.
In Illinois, Democratic Governor J.B. Pritzker is once again facing Darren Bailey, the MAGA former state senator whom Pritzker defeated decisively in 2022.
Bailey and his wife founded the Full Armor Christian Academy, which sounds very much in keeping with the biblical commandment to love your neighbor. Unfortunately, the school has come under scrutiny for using a Bob Jones University science curriculum that teaches dinosaurs and human beings lived on Earth at the same time.
I have questions.
Did Eve have to ride side saddle?
Probably. According to people who think this way, women are inferior and apparently should always be wearing skirts. These are the kinds of people who seem to believe The Flintstones was less a cartoon than a historical documentary.
This week, WGN News in Chicago gave Bailey an opportunity to respond to criticism that he is too extreme.
interviewer: There are also these silly things that the campaign is doing. For example, at the state fair here today, they’re having dinosaurs show up. They say that at the school that you founded there’s curriculum that teaches that dinosaurs and man walked the Earth at the same time. Of course, there’s a 65 million year difference. How do you respond?
This is what Darren Bailey said:
Well, I’ll simply ask him, was he there? Number one, because I think every day we’re learning wonderful things about history and the past.
When the interviewer pressed him further, asking whether dinosaurs and humans walked the Earth together, Bailey had a remarkably simple answer.
Were you there? I wasn’t.
The interviewer reminded him that science has settled the question.
Bailey’s response?
I wasn’t there.
If that man becomes governor, Illinois’ education system will be in very serious trouble.
Dinosaurs became extinct roughly 65 million years ago. Homo sapiens have existed for only a few hundred thousand years. There is approximately a 65 million year gap separating the two.
But apparently none of that matters because Darren Bailey was not there.
I honestly do not know what to say. This level of willful ignorance is almost impossible to parody. It is smug self righteousness masquerading as common sense, or perhaps common sense masquerading as complete ignorance. Either way, it is becoming increasingly difficult to tell the difference.
Speaking of embattled species, apparently cattle are now under attack.
Yes, cattle.
Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins has announced that America is experiencing what she describes as a war on cattle.
Well, in one sense that is true. People eat hamburgers.
What scientists have actually been saying for years is that industrial livestock production contributes significantly to deforestation and greenhouse gas emissions that accelerate climate change. That is not a war on cattle. That is a discussion about climate science.
Yet, 579 days into Trump 2.0, there is apparently only one person who could possibly be responsible for rising beef prices.
Joe Biden.
Every Republican explanation now seems to follow the exact same formula: a noun, a verb, and blame Joe Biden.
Personally, I have already marked my calendar to blame Joe Biden for the hip replacement I expect to need about twenty years from now.
Brooke Rollins: What we are facing in America today is the direct result of a war on cattle by the previous administration. Frankly, a war on agriculture and a war on farming in general. When you’ve got a prior administration that is basically blaming cattle for their crazy climate agenda, then you have a real problem.
No.
Cattle are lovely, gentle creatures.
The point is not that cows are the problem. The point is that large scale industrial meat production contributes to deforestation and climate change.
Leave the cattle alone.
And while we are at it, leave Joe Biden alone. Nobody even remembers who he is anymore.
Apparently this has become the animal edition of Trump Trolls Trump because we now have to talk about puppies.
Thankfully, as far as I know, there is no war on puppies. But if you thought the Illinois governor’s race was strange because one candidate appears to believe dinosaurs and human beings shared the Earth, wait until you hear what is happening in the Texas Senate race.
The race between the deeply corrupt Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton and Democratic candidate James Talarico has taken an unexpected turn. Talarico has been making the case that his Republican opponent is, quite literally, anti-puppy.
It sounds ridiculous until you hear his explanation.
James Talarico: Ken Paxton is anti-puppy. And I wish I was joking when I said that, but reports just came out revealing that as Attorney General, Ken Paxton protected a research lab that was notorious for torturing and killing hundreds of puppies. And then as a state lawmaker in the Texas legislature, Ken Paxton was one of the only votes against a bill to hold animal abusers accountable. So Ken Paxton never misses an opportunity to do the wrong thing, and he won’t fight for the little guy even when the little guy is literally a puppy.
Ken Paxton was asked to comment but, unfortunately, he could not be reached because he was having dinner with Michael Vick.
By now, you have probably heard Georgia Senator Jon Ossoff’s remarks at a campaign rally earlier this week. What has been even more fascinating, and entirely predictable, has been the performative outrage from the right, which accomplished exactly the opposite of what they intended.
Ossoff made what was essentially an offhand remark, and conservative media responded by amplifying it until millions of Americans who had never heard the name Natalie Harp suddenly knew exactly who she was.
Jon Ossoff : And while the sailors on the Lincoln fight his war while he fruitlessly drains our munitions and oil reserves, Donald sleeps through his meetings. He golfs and trades stocks. He doesn’t want to do the job. He wants to build his ballroom and travel with Natalie on their apparently defenseless flying palace gifted by the Emir of Qatar.
That was it.
He mentioned one White House staffer almost in passing, and the right completely lost its mind.
Now everybody knows who Natalie Harp is. She is the newest bleach blonde in Donald’s orbit and appears to have replaced Karoline Leavitt as his favorite.
When Karoline Leavitt went on maternity leave, she came back to discover that not only was she no longer Donald’s favorite bleach blonde, but she had also been left behind on the decoy plane while Natalie Harp traveled with Donald in the catering car.
Fox State TV has been absolutely beside itself over Ossoff’s comments. Rather than simply explaining why they found his remarks objectionable, they decided to attack him while making a series of comparisons that made very little sense.
Dana Perino: The collapse and you got to get the clicks and all that kind of stuff. But we need answers. The country needs that more than we need clicks.
Another Fox panelist then added:
And Emily, I mean, who can blame a member of the party of Bill Clinton for seeing a female staffer and only thinking of one thing? I mean, they all laughed. They all get the joke. If they had dealt with that back in 1997, they might not continue to have this problem.
Are they talking about Bill Clinton?
Because I am fairly certain they are not talking about Donald Trump.
The comparison makes absolutely no sense.
Monica Lewinsky was twenty-two years old when Bill Clinton abused the power imbalance that existed between them. Natalie Harp is a thirty-five-year-old woman who is responsible for her own choices, just as Donald is responsible for his.
The issue is not whether there is or is not an inappropriate relationship between the two of them. The issue is that Natalie Harp is young enough to be Donald’s granddaughter, that she spent nearly a year obtaining a security clearance, that she now appears to be constantly at his side, and that American taxpayers are paying her salary while nobody seems able to explain what she actually does for the American people.
What is obvious is that she spends an extraordinary amount of time reinforcing Donald’s fragile ego and supplying him with flattering articles about himself, articles that generally seem to come from tabloids rather than credible news organizations.
The performative pearl clutching from the right has been remarkable, but it has also marked the beginning of another coordinated effort to attack Jon Ossoff’s character. Fox State TV, unsurprisingly, has eagerly joined that effort.
Fox State TV has been leading the charge against Jon Ossoff, and one of the more unusual attacks came from Laura Ingraham.
Laura Ingraham: Last month, the Washington Free Beacon reported that Ossoff spent more on makeup than any federal candidate this year, beating out AOC and Rashida Tlaib. And beneath all that pancake bronzer and all of that rouge, then we have an ambitious man, but one without a core. That’s the most dangerous kind of politician out there.
Was she talking about Jon Ossoff?
Because I honestly thought she was describing Donald Trump.
Sometimes I wonder if these people have any self awareness whatsoever. Everything Laura Ingraham accused Ossoff of lacking is precisely what Donald has lacked his entire life. He has no core beyond self interest. He has no consistent principles beyond whatever benefits him in the moment. If you stripped away the makeup, the spray tan, and the endless self promotion, you would be left with exactly what she described.
We have been hearing quite a lot lately about Natalie Harp, but you know who we have not been hearing from?
Melania.
In fact, we had not really seen her since July 19 at the World Cup, which, by the way, had been glorious.
She missed the rescheduled White House Correspondents’ Dinner. She skipped Lindsey Graham’s funeral. Unbelievably, she even missed the Patriot Games. Then, all of a sudden, she reappeared for what I assume is one of her great passions in life: IndyCar racing through the streets of Washington, D.C.
There she was with her pseudo husband, Donald, participating in one of the most carefully choreographed photo opportunities of the year.
As they arrived, Melania addressed the crowd.
This is what Melania said:
Good afternoon. I heard you missed me. Here I am.
That is funny because I do not think anybody missed her.
The world is generally a quieter and better place when Melania chooses to remain out of public view. It was also fascinating to watch staff repeatedly encourage the audience to applaud, as though they were trying to manufacture enthusiasm that simply was not there.
The situation has become especially awkward because Melania now finds herself competing for Donald’s attention with a woman young enough to be his granddaughter.
Natalie Harp seems to spend more time with Donald than his wife does.
Of course, Melania is compensated extremely well to appear beside Donald and pretend she can tolerate being in his presence. At this point, I imagine she sends Natalie Harp thank you notes on a regular basis.
Still, the optics have become difficult to ignore.
Melania showed up for the event wearing an IndyCar helmet, smiling for the cameras and participating in another carefully staged public appearance. It all felt remarkably forced.
What was really going on?
There is actually an interesting arrangement behind the event.
Donald created a new IndyCar race by executive order to be held on the streets of Washington, D.C. Fox Corporation, the parent company of Fox News and Fox Sports, owns a one third stake in Penske Entertainment, the parent company of IndyCar.
What a remarkable coincidence.
Fox Sports and IndyCar also announced a $2 million contribution to Melania’s Foster Youth Initiative.
It is, we are told, a charitable donation, and I am sure that money will be spent exactly the way they tell us it will be.
What stood out, however, was something much simpler.
The happy couple did not actually seem to spend very much time together.
There was remarkably little warmth or affection between them. They looked less like a married couple attending an event together than two people fulfilling separate contractual obligations at the same location.
For the first time in quite a while, we did not see Melania slap Donald’s hand away or openly scowl at him. Then again, she had just received a rather substantial check.
Although, if we are being honest, it probably was not as substantial as the payments she usually receives for making these public appearances and pretending she can stand the man she married.
By the way, I read lips.
At the beginning of one of those clips, Donald leaned over to speak to someone nearby.
He said, “Where’s Natalie? I need Natalie.”
That probably tells you everything you need to know.
Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of Trump Trolls Trump.
We will be back next week because mockery remains one of our greatest superpowers. Authoritarians want to be feared. They want to appear inevitable, untouchable, and all powerful. Ridicule reminds them that they are none of those things.
And fortunately for us, they continue to provide more material than we could ever ask for.
