Trump Trolls Trump 94

Pretend I’m on the ballot

[Transcript edited for clarity, flow and legnth]

Donald made his final plea’s to voters.

Please, I ask you this as maybe more important even than the Trump dividend. Please pretend that I’m running. I’m asking you to pretend that I’m on the ballot. Pretend I’m on the ballot. I really want you to pretend I’m on the ballot. Pretend I’m on the ballot. Do whatever you want. Just pretend I’m on the ballot. Pretend that I’m on the ballot. You have to pretend I’m on the ballot. Pretend that I’m on the ballot. Pretend. Just pretend that I’m on the ballot… Please pretend I’m on the ballot, will you?

Oh, we did.

Welcome to this week’s episode of Trump Trolls Trump. It is week 94, our post midterm election edition, and after 656 long days, we finally have a little something, or make that a massive amount of something, to celebrate. The American people have spoken, and they have delivered a resounding repudiation of Donald and his co-conspirators.

That’s right, almost 70 million of us took Donald’s advice and pretended he was on the ballot, giving the Republican Party a defeat so vast it has been described as a near extinction level event. While the political landscape may have shifted drastically this week, one thing definitely has not. These people are still ridiculous, absurd, and quite frankly, really annoying. So we’re going to have some fun at their expense, as we always do here, because after everything they’ve put us through, they’ve earned it.

Let’s take ourselves back in time for a moment.

It’s Monday, November 2, 2026, which seems like it was a long time ago, but it was literally just this past Monday. One of the biggest midterm elections in recent memory, which is to say ever, was about to happen the next morning. And how does Donald inspire voters? Because there’s a lot at stake. I don’t know, his freedom, his fortune. Well, he held a press conference at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, and as you can imagine, he very clearly and succinctly laid out all of the reasons Americans should vote for the Republican Party. And just in case you’re confused, I said the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool because that’s still what it’s called. It is not the Trump reflecting pool. That’s the same reflecting pool he promised would be finished by July 4, but now it’s four months later, and it costs nearly 11 times its original $1.5 million budget.

Clearly, Donald knows what voters are concerned about: the economy, the future of the country, healthcare, and war. He decided to remind all of us how spectacularly he mismanaged a pool renovation, and he brought back the image of the imaginary vandals with box cutters that he blamed for his incompetence and his grift. That aside, he did reveal something to everybody, something we’ve known for a very long time. He doesn’t understand what a promise is, or maybe more to the point, he doesn’t think he has to keep them. Donald made that case himself at the press conference, and this is what he said:

We’ve achieved more in less than three years than any administration in American history, and I’ve kept every single promise I made except far more. I’ve actually kept far more promises than I made. We’ve done much more than I promised.

All right. So not only does he not understand how promises work, he doesn’t understand how numbers work. You can’t keep more promises than you make. Anyway, he’s kept zero promises, and that’s all he had. That’s all he had, standing in front of one of the most embarrassing and weirdly emblematic moments of his entire presidency.

Let’s move on to election day. Around 8:30 Tuesday morning, Donald called into Fox and Friends and rambled on and on as voters were heading to the polls. The host asked him for his final message to voters, and he nailed it.

Well, we have to keep America great. We’re great now. We were terrible two years ago. We were laughingstock all over the world, and the leaders of other countries didn’t even take us seriously. They thought we were fools, and now we’re the hottest country in the world. We’re respected by everybody. President Xi was here two weeks ago he said what you’ve done is amazing. He said the change, I’ve never seen anything like it. And everybody says that.

We are so hot now. Before we move on, there was one more thing from Donald’s Tuesday morning appearance on Fox and Friends that I think might be worth considering. In that same appearance, Donald offered this claim about his popularity:

So I’m the number one that was so voted. I’m at 99% approval rating in Israel. Can you believe it? In fact, if people ever get tired of me in the US, I’ll move to Israel and become prime minister, but I’m at 99.

Please. I’m not sure if there was an official meeting between Donald and his cabinet about the messaging going into election week, but it didn’t seem like it.

Remember Backyard Chicken Woman, Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins, who thinks we all need to be raising chickens in our backyards, which many of us don’t have. Well, she appeared on Newsmax on election day and, among other things, seemed to suggest that they’ve now decided higher prices are actually a good thing, I think. Is that what she was going for? I don’t know. You be the judge.

Around the world, we’re going to have record exports this year for corn and wheat and cotton and other incredible American industries while those prices are rising. So we have made so much progress. I think all I can say is you think about Ronald Reagan and a time for choosing, right? Do you choose darkness and destruction and the end of the American dream, or do you choose freedom and the path forward? And I don’t think that’s any more clear than what we’re seeing in rural America.

And I have to agree, because guess what? Rural America handed Republicans a thorough defeat. Maybe they did get together and brainstorm some messaging, because by 9:30 that same morning, Secretary of Energy Chris Wright went on Fox Business to argue that, “Hey, prices may be high, but there’s a cure for that.” I can’t even imagine what that’s going to be. Here is how he made the argument:

And look, this is what capitalism’s all about. The markets are sending that price mechanism as well. Prices are high. The best cure for high prices is high prices. It grows supply.

Okay. All right. Sorry. Let me see if I can make sense of that brilliant bit of logic. The best cure for high prices is high prices. The best cure for chlamydia is chlamydia. Is that where we’re at, right? The best cure for syphilis is syphilis. Yeah. Go back to school.

Now let’s go back a week and a half to Thursday, October 29, just a few days before the election, when Donald was pulling out all the stops. Soon to be former Speaker of the House Mike Johnson appeared on Fox and Friends, where he confidently declared that Republicans were going to win and that he would remain speaker in the next Congress.

This was a claim Johnson had made repeatedly throughout the year, but it was Ainsley Earnhardt’s comment at the very end of that exchange that really brought the whole argument home. So enjoy these words of confidence, or perhaps we could say hubris, from Fox and Friends just days before the election.

Mike Johnson: Hakeem Jeffries will not have a race for speaker because Republicans are going to win. I’ll be the speaker in the next Congress. I’ll be administering the oath to some of these people who ran for Congress as Marxist, sadly. We’ll see what happens, but he’s going to have to run. Hakeem wants to remain the leader of the Democrats. He’ll be the minority leader if he wins, but they’re going to hold him hostage for all sorts of things. This is a taste of what’s to come. It’s a harbinger of what’s to come in the Democrat party. I think voters are savvy. I think they’re paying attention to this, and I think we’re going to win because it’s a contrast again between common sense and absolute crazy.

Another panelist: That’s why the people got to show up, Mr. Speaker. All the Republican voters, everyone that is at the president’s rallies, big numbers, they got to show up and vote no matter what tricks that the Democrats may play in this election.

Ainsley Earnhardt: And if you’re right, if Republicans win the House and the Senate, everyone gets $5,000 from Donald Trump.

Mike Johnson: That’s what he said. Exactly right.

Indeed. Ooh, “harbinger.” Wow. First of all, is it even worth pointing this out anymore? I am going to do it anyway. There are no Marxists that I’m aware of in the Democratic Party, or I should say among elected Democrats. No Marxists. Also, Mike Johnson define Marxism. Secondly, it’s democratic when you’re using it as an adjective. Not that it matters anymore, because guess what? We’re probably never going to hear from you again, which is fun for us.

I did not know this. Donnie, some of you may know him as the stupidest of all of the Trump children clearly has some ax to grind against Ohio, and I don’t know why. This is what Donnie said:

They want to pack the Supreme Court. They want to make Ohio a state.

Heaven forfend. Ohio is a state. Not only that, it is now a much bluer state than it was, because the governor of Ohio, Amy Acton, is a Democrat, and one of the senators, Sherrod Brown, is a Democrat and Senator elect, I should say, and on and on and on. So thankfully, Ohio is already a state. Now, Democrats with your massive majorities, let’s make DC and Puerto Rico states next, shall we?

That’s all we have time for this week. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so very much for voting and for all of the other things that made this election what it was, whether it was writing postcards, phone banking, driving people to the polls, or helping people register.

And thanks for joining us for another episode of Trump Trolls Trump. Remember, mockery is our superpower, and as long as these grifters and traitors and con men stick around, we will keep ridiculing them.

We’ll see you next time. Thanks, and happy democracy.