Trump Trolls Trump

Week 84

Welcome to this week’s episode of Trump Trolls Trump. It has now been 586 days since Inauguration Day, January 20, 2025, and we’re taking a look back at week 84.

With the midterms getting closer, Mike Johnson wants us to understand just how high the stakes apparently are.

Mike Johnson: People like you understand the stakes are so high, right? This is for all the marbles. We cannot lose this midterm. I want you to imagine a nightmare scenario with these insurgent Marxist Democrats taking over the Congress. They would impeach the president on the first day. They’ve already said what they’re going to do. They’ll convert every committee of Congress into an investigative body. They’ll spend every waking hour investigating the president and his family and the cabinet and going on this lawfare exercise.

Hooray. And apparently I’m a Marxist now.

Does anybody remember the infamous photograph of George W. Bush standing beneath a “Mission Accomplished” banner during the Iraq War? Fun fact, the ship he was on was actually the USS Abraham Lincoln. Who would’ve thought that, decades later, that very same ship would be stuck on an extended deployment, days and weeks and months on end, in yet another Middle East conflict, yet another war of choice, in which service members would literally be jumping overboard? At the time, Bush was declaring major combat operations in Iraq were over, but of course they weren’t. Years would pass before we finally extricated ourselves from that nightmare. It seemed like another endless war.

Well, this week Donald posted an AI generated photo to his failing social media site, essentially demonstrating that he is both delusional and stupid.

Obviously, Donald is not a student of history because “Mission Accomplished” is not a phrase most Americans recall fondly. Unless, of course, Donald, who, although not a student of history, is obviously a student of the English language, thinks that “Mission Accomplished” is a synonym for endless failure. Good job, little guy.

Donald also posted a chart rating himself against other presidents. In this chart, he is the greatest president who ever lived, despite the fact that time after time, surveys of American historians put him dead last. What’s also disturbing is that he rates Obama, Biden, and Carter as the worst presidents. Shocking, right? But among the great ones, in addition to Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Franklin Roosevelt, he has Andrew Jackson listed as a great American president, the guy who helped commit genocide against the Native American population. Donald has very bad taste, obviously, but he cannot help himself.

Speaking of which, beef prices, along with just about everything else in this country, are skyrocketing. Donald has a short term solution, and it’s perfect because it’s not really a solution and it’s going to hurt Americans. It’s a twofer. He’s going to import cheaper beef. Should we be surprised that American cattle ranchers absolutely hate this idea because it’s going to undercut their sales?

Here’s another slight problem. Although in our post FDA era, who cares? We have no idea where this beef is coming from, which also means we have no idea if it’s safe to eat. It’s mystery meat.

Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins: There’s a lot of ground beef that’s sitting in other countries that would potentially help serve Americans, especially lower income Americans who really lean into the lean ground beef. There has never been a higher demand for beef and protein than there is today, the new dietary guidelines. So again, that very short term effort to get some of that ground beef that’s sitting out there in the world into America.

When Donald was asked which countries would be sending the beef, this is what he said:

I don’t want to say which countries, but there are a few countries, but they’re going to be sending in the highest quality beef and it’s something that we need.

When Rollins was asked the same question, this is what she said:

I will be very transparent and that is over at US Trade Rep. I am actually not part of any of those conversations, so I am not sure what that looks like. I think we’ll know very soon.

Why would the Secretary of Agriculture and infamous backyard chicken lady be involved in those kinds of discussions? Clearly, she doesn’t know that one of the countries bringing beef into our country is Argentina, and perhaps she also doesn’t know that her department has recalled 30,000 pounds of Argentinian beef because it entered our country without the appropriate inspections and is considered high risk. But here’s hoping the American people get ground beef that probably, like our produce, is going to kill them.

Which brings me, tragically, to Donald’s unerring ability to make bad things worse. I’m talking, of course, about his insane, ill advised, unprovoked, and self defeating trade war with Canada, one of our oldest, strongest allies and our second biggest trading partner. Why is it getting worse? Because instead of confronting the problem head on, instead of trying to renegotiate the deal and hammer it out like a mature, sane person, Donald decided to rename Lake Ontario.

Donald: So this is Lake Ontario in Canada and in the United States, but we’re going to make a little change. We’re going to call it something different than Lake Ontario. We’re going to call it Lake America, and all it takes is a good pen and some intelligence. So Lake Ontario, that’s gone. Lake America. So now we have a lake and now we have a Gulf because we have the Gulf of America and now we have Lake America without the of. Thank you very much everybody. Enjoy Lake America.

He called the whole White House press corps into the Oval Office to make this stupid announcement and sign an executive order changing the name of Lake Ontario to Lake America. I’ll let you in on a little secret. It’s still Lake Ontario. It’s still the Gulf of Mexico. Let’s be clear.

Donald actually said that he thinks we need an ocean, too, whether it’s going to be the Atlantic or the Pacific. I think it was a couple of weeks ago when we learned that Donald wants to etch his name into the Kennedy Center and then the plaza outside of the Kennedy Center is going to be named after him. Let’s just cut to the chase and name everything after Donald Trump or put Donald Trump’s name on everything. So we’re just going to do the same thing with America. Like, the sky of America. The clouds of the United States. The Gulf Stream of Freedom.

We’ve heard a few suggestions Canada could use on their maps, although quite frankly, Canada and sane people everywhere are perfectly fine having it continue to be called Lake Ontario. There is no preposition there. It is not Lake of anything. So here are some of those suggestions: Lake Release the Epstein Files, Lake Obama, Lake Tariffs Are Taxes, Lake Joe Biden Won the 2020 Election, Lake Affordability, and Lake Donald Trump Is a Toddler. The last one’s not very catchy, but I think it sums up our problem. We’ll workshop it.

At this point, you can call these things whatever you want because apparently anybody can rename anything, even though that’s not a thing. The only people who refer to the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America and the only people who are going to refer to Lake Ontario as Lake America are the insipid sycophants in Donald’s inner circle. Canada is still going to call Lake Ontario Lake Ontario, as will sane people everywhere, and the rest of the planet is still going to call the Atlantic Ocean the Atlantic Ocean no matter how many times Donald scribbles his name on maps with Sharpies.

At this point, I think it’s worth pointing out, even though it isn’t funny, that our country is currently being run by a bunch of insecure, tiny little men who have very, very severe psychopathologies.

The midterms are getting closer, unbelievably enough. Election Day is 66 days away, so let’s take a quick look at some of the messaging we’re hearing from Republican candidates just two months out from Election Day.

First up is South Carolina Republican Senate candidate Darlene Nordone. Her answer to Democratic policies, including government run healthcare, comes from her own childhood.

Darlene Nordone: Government run healthcare, abortion until the moment of birth, bad idea after bad idea, Annie Andrews backs them all. I have a different background and vision for our state. I’m a hard worker with a servant’s heart. I grew up in the back of a bar and liquor store in one room in central South Carolina. My parents worked long, hard hours to make ends meet. We didn’t take vacations. If they were sick, they had to get up and go to work because if the doors weren’t open, we weren’t making money. My mother passed away when I was 11 and my father just over a year later.

Let me get this straight. The Republican answer to Medicare for all is work long hours so you never have to see your kids, work while you’re sick so you get other people sick. And then die. I love it. I think that is the Republican version of the American dream now. And, obviously, orphan the kids that you never wanted to see.

Then there’s Michigan Republican Senate nominee Mike Rogers, another completely in the tank for Donald candidate. He launched an attack that I think is supposed to be aimed at his opponent, Abdul El Sayed, but could just as easily be aimed at somebody else.

Mike Rogers: What a con man he is. He says one thing and now he’s trying to say something else exactly like a con man. I was an FBI agent. I went after drug dealers and human traffickers and swindlers. I know a con man when I see one.

Me too. I’m pretty sure you’ve guessed by now that the person he should be and could be referring to is Donald.

And then there’s the governor’s race in Florida. What’s the message? If you guessed we have to repair roads so women can get to the hairdresser, well, get a cookie. Here’s GOP candidate Byron Donalds explaining it all to us.

Byron Donalds: By the way, the longer it takes for us to build out roads, the more damage it actually does to the quality of life here in Florida, because everybody gets frustrated when it just takes longer to get from point A to point B. And looking at the ladies in the room this afternoon, we want to make sure that you continue to have your hair looking good so you can get to the beauty salon as quick as you can.

Misogyny aside, the infantilization, the contempt with which he drips. Why does your hair need to look good before you go to the beauty salon? Just asking.

But how are voters feeling? More specifically, how are Donald’s voters feeling? One woman, who voted for him three times, described what life looks like for her now.

This is what she said:

It’s all hard. To be honest, I know this is going to go out in public and it’s kind of embarrassing, but at 44, I just moved back in with my mom. I have a college degree. I have a really good job, but rent prices are going up, gas prices are going up.

When asked if she was disappointed in Donald, she said she was very disappointed because prices haven’t gone down. She said she was over the Trump thing, the Trump wagon, whatever you want to call it.

Another mother described having to decide whether she had enough money to put gas in her car or buy eggs and milk for her child, and whether she could even afford the gas required to drive to work so she could make money.

A three time Trump voter was then asked whether he regretted his vote. He said yes. He would go back and rethink some things. And when asked what he would tell Donald directly about the war, prices, and the economy, he answer was simple. Stop it.

Damn you, Joe Biden. My God.

Actually, none of that is funny. People are really suffering because of Donald and the Trump regime. Behind all of the absurdity, the AI generated “Mission Accomplished” pictures, the mystery meat, Lake America, the imaginary Marxists, the misogyny, and Republican candidates accidentally describing Donald when they think they’re attacking Democrats, there are real people who cannot afford rent, gas, eggs, or milk.

So let’s have the last laugh, shall we? Election Day is 66 days away. Let’s vote every single one of these criminal insurrectionist traitors out of office.

Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of Trump Trolls Trump. And remember always, mockery is our superpower, and we will use it to hold these grifters and thieves to account. Their incompetence will not save them. It just gives us more reasons to mock them.