Trump Trolls Trump

Week 86

Remember this.

This is what Donald said:

Under the Trump economic plan, we will cut your energy prices in half. Mark it down. And you can get very angry at me if we don’t do it. Within 12 months, your energy prices will be cut in half. My plan will cut energy prices in half, or more than that, within 12 months. We will cut energy and electricity prices in half within 12 months. And that means for your homes, too. I will cut your energy and electricity prices in half within 12 months of taking office. We are going to bring energy down by 50%, 50%, 50% within 12 months from January 20th, which is the day we go into office.

Sure, any minute now.

Welcome to this week’s episode of Trump Trolls Trump. It has now been an interminable 600 geological epochs, which is to say days, since Inauguration Day, January 20th, 2025. It’s week 86, so we wanted to take a look back at how we got here.

Despite Donald’s campaign lies, sorry, promises, energy prices not only have not been cut in half, but have in fact risen dramatically, all because of his insane, self defeating economic policies, including tariffs and, of course, his illegal, unconstitutional war of choice against Iran, which is in its sixth month with no end in sight.

You may remember that in week 65, Donald told us, contrary to what we were seeing in reality, that gas prices just weren’t that high.

When Donald was asked how much longer Americans would continue to see high gas prices, this is what he said:

They’re not very high. If you look at what they were supposed to be in order to get rid of a nuclear weapon with the danger that entails. So the gas prices have come down very much over the last three, four days. I know, and that’s what ABC says. But the fact is that if you look at the stock market, it’s up. Everything’s doing really well.

Yes. Easy to say if you’re somebody who doesn’t have to pay for gasoline and who engages in lots of insider trading.

Later that same week, Secretary of the Treasury, other inappropriately smiley guy Scott Bessent, was asked if we could expect to see prices back around $3 a gallon before summer. Spoiler, that did not happen.

The reporter asked Bessent when Americans could realistically expect to see $3 a gallon gas.

Scott Bessent: Well, I think that’s going to be up to how the negotiations go. President Trump said this morning that he thinks we’re nearing the end. The U.S. kept their side on the ceasefire. We’ve stopped firing. The Strait of Hormuz has not been completely reopened, so we will see. I’m optimistic that during the summer we will see gas with a three in front of it sooner rather than later.

Oops. Unless he’s talking about $30 a gallon, which is where prices are heading. Notice the usually inappropriately smiley Scott Bessent was not smiling during that press conference, probably because he had to focus so carefully on how he was going to lie about things.

Oh, and also, by the way, that was 20 weeks ago. Strait of Hormuz still closed, gas prices still going up.

By week 68, things were even worse because of Donald’s unwarranted, irrational, and unprovoked tariff war and the actual war against Iran. Americans weren’t just living paycheck to paycheck. Now more and more of them were falling behind because their credit card debt was on the rise. An increasing number of Americans were having to put basic expenses like groceries and rent on their credit cards.

National Economic Council Advisor and other inappropriately smiley guy Kevin Hassett assured the nation that this was a good thing.

Kevin Hassett: I had the head of one of the big five banks in my office yesterday going through the credit card data and, just as Secretary Bessent said, credit card spending is through the roof. They’re spending more on gasoline, but they’re spending more on everything else, too.

Seriously, sometimes the jokes just write themselves because it always depends on your perspective. Is it good news that Americans are having to pay not just more for gas, but more for everything? Well, yeah, if you’re a credit card company charging outrageous interest rates, it’s awesome.

In week 69, Donald was asked a simple question: Did Americans’ financial situations motivate him in any way regarding the war in Iran? His answer should be a ready made campaign message for Democrats heading into the midterms, which, as of right now, are only 52 days away.

When Donald was asked to what extent Americans’ financial situations were motivating him to make a deal, this is what he said:

Not even a little bit. The only thing that matters when I’m talking about Iran, they can’t have a nuclear weapon. I don’t think about Americans’ financial situation. I don’t think about anybody. I think about one thing. We cannot let Iran have a nuclear weapon, that’s all. That’s the only thing about it.

Truer words. He does not think about anybody at all, and he never has. This is not news. Also, Iran does not have a nuclear weapon.

By week 78, Americans were insisting that they couldn’t afford groceries, housing, healthcare, or just about anything else in this disastrous economy. But Donald had discovered what he was telling us was a word that Democrats had made up, I guess, to make him look bad. Yes, a neologism that only Donald could figure out because he is such a wordsmith, and that word, or I should say nonword, was affordability. That’s how he pronounces it because it’s not really a word. He can pronounce it however he wants.

That’s right. Affordability, moron.

So, not wanting to be left out, he fought back with a brand new word of his own.

Donald: I had my first news conference the day after I took office and they said, affordability, affordability. They go, that’s a fake word that they use. They caused the affordability problem. It’s called high prices. They came up with this word. They’re good at coming up with words, but we came up with a good word, too. They’re Democrats. Dumb. You take the B out. Most people don’t know that dumb is a B, okay? But the U replaces the E and you have a Democrat, and I just don’t understand because their policy is so dumb, what they’ve done to this country and what they will do to the country. If we don’t win the midterms and win the election, everything that I’m talking about, you can just write it off.

I am officially a Democrat because I am so much stupider after having had to listen to that idiot. Cool.

By week 81, and my goodness, I’m feeling old, Donald had not only convinced himself that affordability was a hoax, that his illegal, illegitimate, unconstitutional trade war against the world was necessary, and that his unwarranted, unconstitutional war of choice against Iran was justified, but also that virtually every one of his policies was somehow working beautifully.

He had taken an economy that The Economist called the envy of the world in October of 2024, that would be Joe Biden’s economy, and reduced it to rubble, like a mere shadow of its former glory. But according to Donald, who never lets facts get in the way of a good story, he’s doing a brilliant job.

In fact, he decided to grade himself. It’s going to shock you what grade he actually gave himself.

Donald: We’re doing an unbelievable job. Costs are coming way down. I inherited. They talk about costs. I inherited very, very high costs and they’re all coming down now. The food, the groceries, it’s all coming down. We’ve done a great job. I think we should be given an A plus on the economy, but I think it’s coming. People are starting to talk about it.

See, grade inflation is a thing. You know what else that creep inherited? $410 million and a very low IQ.

That is it for us this week. Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of Trump Trolls Trump. We’ll be back with an all new episode next week because mockery is our superpower, and we are here to hold these incompetent criminals, scammers, grifters, and con artists to account while exposing them for the hollow frauds they really are.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending, we never seem to run out of material.