Trump Trolls Trump Week 76
4 July, 2026
Happy Fourth of July, everybody.
Wait. What?
No. Is it happy? That was just a knee jerk response because, as America celebrates its 250th birthday, you would think there would be something worth celebrating. Two hundred and fifty years of democracy. Two hundred and fifty years of self government.
Not even close.
It feels as if there is almost nothing left to celebrate.
We are now 530 days into Donald’s second occupation of the Oval Office, which somehow feels longer than the entire 250 years of American history we are supposedly commemorating today. Donald promised us a golden age. Instead, we got something the color of dark, dank, stagnant algae.
Welcome to Trump Trolls Trump, the show where one person with a particular surname mocks another person who unfortunately shares that same surname, something that continues to annoy me more than I can adequately express.
As we look back on Week 76 of this ongoing exercise in national humiliation, there is really only one place to begin.
Donald’s brand new Air Force One.
Because nothing says “America First” quite like accepting what is essentially a $400 million gift, otherwise known as a bribe, from the government of Qatar.
Who among us hasn’t received a foreign government jet worth hundreds of millions of dollars?
Certainly no American president has.
We still have no idea how much taxpayers have spent retrofitting the aircraft. Estimates have reportedly reached as high as one billion dollars. But what is another billion dollars when Donald and his useless children have already managed to extract so much more from the American people?
Donald was understandably excited about his newest toy.
I said to Boeing, “What’s the best one?” They said, “This is the best plane ever built and you’re going to have the privilege of flying it, but this is the first flight. We’re going to the Teddy Roosevelt Presidential Library opening and that’ll be very good. That’ll be a lot of fun. But I think to be honest with you, I’m excited about the first flight. It’s something nobody’s ever seen anything like it. Even you people with all your experience and all of your talent, you will never see anything like this. So they just completed it. They made it appropriate for a president. That means the security in all of the different bells and whistles they put on. Very complex now, but it’s really quite something. ... Well, of course, very little relative to what it would cost if we did it a different way. So this was a gift from a country that’s treated us very well and they’re an ally of us over in the Middle East, Qatar. Frankly, we couldn’t build a plane like this because we wouldn’t be willing to spend the kind of money necessary. So I said, “I’d like to use it.” And the Amir Tamim, who’s a great gentleman, he said, “No, no, I’d like to make a contribution to the country.”
Apparently, watching Donald board an airplane is unlike anything humanity has ever witnessed.
History has been made.
The corruption involved here is almost impossible to overstate.
Presidents are prohibited from accepting gifts over a relatively modest amount. This aircraft is reportedly worth roughly $400 million before taxpayers spend hundreds of millions more converting it into Air Force One. Donald calls that making it “appropriate for a president.”
I assume that means they sprayed everything with gold spray paint from Home Depot and installed enough unnecessary luxury to satisfy the most insecure man ever to occupy the Oval Office.
Then, of course, there is the small matter that this plane does not actually belong to the American people.
Guess who gets to keep it after leaving office, assuming he ever leaves office?
Exactly.
The White House also released photographs from inside the aircraft, including one featuring Eva Braun … I mean Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. I momentarily forgot her name because she has been away for quite some time, enjoying something the overwhelming majority of American women never receive: an extended, paid maternity leave.
But she is not actually the interesting part of the photograph.
Look behind her.
The books.
Now, I have spent plenty of time in libraries over the course of my life. One thing I have never encountered is shelves labeled “Library.”
Generally speaking, if you are standing inside a library, everyone has already figured out that the books belong to the library.
I am willing to make a prediction.
Those books are fake.
Why do I think that?
First, Donald doesn’t read.
Second, my grandparents’ house had an actual room called the library. Until Donald’s first ghostwritten book appeared, there were essentially no books on the shelves.
Case closed.
Later that day, Donald arrived in North Dakota for the opening of the Theodore Roosevelt Presidential Library.
As you know, Donald considers himself something of a student of history. He was absolutely thrilled to be there.
Before the ribbon cutting, he addressed the crowd.
Donald: But it’s an honor to be here. It’s an honor to be this great museum, great library, great center, and it’s a very special place. I think it’s going to do very well. It’s a part of the country that I love and I think they love me because I have the all kind record in presidential voting and that’s an honor because they are the people that built America. So thank you very much and we appreciate it.
He certainly looked thrilled.
Most people leave a ribbon-cutting ceremony with a handshake, a photograph, and perhaps a commemorative plaque. Donald apparently believed that was insufficient.
Donald simply walked away carrying the ceremonial scissors.
Thank you all. We’ll see you down at the amphitheater. Let’s go, North Dakota.
If the ceremonial scissors had been small enough to fit inside one of his jacket pockets, I suspect he would have attempted that instead.
The theft happened in real time. Honestly, I suppose those scissors may come in handy. He can continue using them to stab America in the back.
The library tour became even stranger when Donald was introduced to an artificial intelligence version of Theodore Roosevelt, designed to interact with visitors.
Because apparently every presidential library now needs an AI Teddy Roosevelt.
The encounter went about as well as you might expect.
Donald Speaking to an AI Teddy Roosevelt: Well, I appreciate those words. Those words are fantastic. I just want to say it’s an honor to be with you today. We are making a little bit of a tour some of the fantastic things you’ve done.
“You’ve done.” Present tense.
I’m honestly not sure Donald understood two very basic facts.
Theodore Roosevelt has been dead for more than a century.
And because he has been dead for more than a century, he was not actually standing in front of Donald.
Sadly, things only became more surreal.
Donald later addressed the crowd from an amphitheater flanked by men dressed as Theodore Roosevelt’s Rough Riders, although they looked suspiciously like spare members of the Village People.
During the speech, Donald shared what he described as a promise he had made to Donnie and Eric.
He assured them that he would not tell the audience he was more popular than Theodore Roosevelt.
As we all know, Donald has tremendous difficulty keeping promises.
Donald: And I refused to tell you. My son said, “Dad, don’t say that.” So I won’t. I refuse to tell you who got more votes, me or the legendary, and he was great, Theodore Roosevelt. I refuse to say because you’ll say he’s a braggart. He’s a terrible human being. He’s a horrible person. So I refuse to say. I told my son I will not say. Thank you. Thank you for giving me some good advice, Eric Trump and Don Trump.
Thank goodness he clarified their last names.
Had he simply referred to “Eric” and “Donnie,” I never would have figured out whom he meant.
Of course, announcing that you are not going to say something immediately before saying it is functionally identical to saying it.
That is how Donald has always operated.
There is also the tiny historical detail that when Theodore Roosevelt ran for president, the population of the United States was roughly one tenth what it is today.
Naturally Donald received more raw votes.
Once again, mathematics has become Donald’s greatest adversary.
Since June 25, the National Mall has been home to Donald’s so called Great American State Fair.
Sixteen days.
That is a lot of time for all of that grass to sit baking in the sun because nobody is standing on it.
Yes, this 16 day celebration of America’s 250th birthday is apparently a celebration that almost nobody is celebrating.
After sidelining the bipartisan America250 Commission, which had spent years planning this event, Donald handed the entire celebration to his own Freedom 250 organization, a for profit entity that is now overseeing the festivities.
The crowds.
My goodness, the crowds.
Actually, we cannot really use that word because there have not been any. There has been the occasional person here or there, but other than the fact that almost nobody has shown up, it has been a rousing success.
The Ferris wheel lost power on opening day. Several states declined to participate despite organizers promising exhibits from all fifty six states and territories. Lemonade costs a perfectly reasonable $9 because, apparently, what better way to celebrate America’s birthday than paying $9 for a cup of water, lemon juice, and a teaspoon of sugar?
Seriously.
You call yourselves patriots.
Turkey legs are $23 because, as we all know, prices are coming down.
The opening concert also unraveled after many of the advertised performers pulled out, citing concerns about partisanship. Instead, attendees were treated to what amounted to another Donald campaign rally, during which he once again insisted that the United States is the hottest country in the world.
Ironically, thanks to his assault on clean energy initiatives and his refusal to take climate change seriously, that may now be true in a very different sense.
Temperatures in New York exceeded one hundred degrees. Washington was expected to be even hotter.
Within the context of Donald’s life, however, this apparently qualifies as success.
Even Fox State TV, which rather courageously positioned itself directly in front of the nearly empty fairgrounds, attempted to convince viewers not to believe what they were seeing.
Fox State TV: Festivities are in full swing in Washington for America’s 250th birthday. Today’s theme at the Great American State Fair, Horsepower of America showcasing the nation’s innovation. Mark, great to see here today. A lot of energy down there. What’s the latest?
This is what Fox’s correspondent said:
There is a big energy here on the National Mall. The crowd sizes are smaller in the morning. It has picked up quite a bit. The state fair generating a lot of headlines and we have seen more people come to see it for themselves, including right to the Ferris wheel. You’ll zoom in here and see the crowds that are lined up for a chance to see Washington unlike any other way. This morning, four younger Americans put their stomachs to the test with a pancake eating contest that’s tough on any day, let alone in this kind of heat. The guy who won appeared really worried he wasn’t going to be able to keep the pancakes down, but in the end, he made it.
One of the anchors then asked the obvious question.
Today’s theme is Make America Healthy Again. I’m wondering, how does a pancake eating contest comport with Make America Healthy Again?
His co host responded:
No red food dyes, right? Perhaps now the closing bell is here. We’re going to get more people coming out here now that work is done.
Okay.
Credit where credit is due.
That was almost convincing.
I am not in the entertainment industry, but I have always assumed it is generally considered a bad sign when there are more people on stage than there are in the audience.
I also did not realize until today that “full swing” and “full of energy” were apparently synonyms for “almost completely empty.”
That certainly explains why the brass band seemed to be playing taps.
I honestly cannot wait to visit because nothing says “Happy Birthday, America” quite like eating semi raw pancakes in one hundred and seven degree heat while absolutely nobody is watching.
As depressing, pathetic, expensive, and spectacularly embarrassing as all of this looks, there is another problem.
It might not actually be safe.
Now, why would anyone think that? Well, because Donald was in charge of putting it together. That seems like a perfectly reasonable place to begin.
As it turns out, there may actually be one silver lining to the fact that almost nobody has attended this event.
Yes, it is deeply humiliating for Donald, which is always gratifying.
More importantly, however, the entire site appears to be something of a construction disaster.
Reports emerged of structural concerns, including debris falling from portions of the temporary construction.
Apparently, alongside pancake eating contests, $9 lemonade, $23 turkey legs, record breaking heat, and empty fairgrounds, visitors also received the added excitement of wondering whether pieces of the event itself might fall on them.
Nothing says “America” quite like shoddy construction overseen by a man who has spent his entire career insisting he is the greatest builder who ever lived.
That, in many ways, is the perfect metaphor for Donald Trump.
Everything is marketed as the biggest, the best, the most spectacular, the most beautiful anyone has ever seen.
Then people show up and discover the Ferris wheel is broken, the performers have gone home, the crowds never arrived, construction is falling apart, and Fox State TV is desperately trying to convince viewers that a pancake eating contest attended by four people is evidence of overwhelming national enthusiasm.
That is the Trump brand.
It always has been.
The advertisements are bigger than the product. The promises are bigger than the accomplishments. The spectacle is always designed to distract people from the reality.
And the reality is almost always much smaller, much sadder, and much more expensive than advertised.
Happy Birthday, America.
“Yes, it is deeply humiliating for Donald, which is always gratifying.”
And don’t forget the Epstein Files - DJT stars ⭐️ in those!
Once again, you knocked it out of the ballpark, Mary . Too bad you're not the Trump in the Oval Office.