Trump Trolls Trump Week 77

11 July, 2026

Donald’s Fireworks Finale, Great American State Fair, July 5th 2026

Donald promised the biggest fireworks display in human history to celebrate our country’s 250th birthday, which, as you probably know, was on July 4. Well, there were just a couple of problems. The fireworks did not technically happen until July 5 because, like most people on the planet, Mother Nature hates Donald and sent some truly awful weather. Then there was another problem.

As you can see, those are actually fireworks, but you cannot really tell because, pro tip, do not set off fireworks during a heat dome. Otherwise, all you get is one enormous cloud of smoke and a whole lot of asthma attacks. It looked less like a celebration of America and more like the apocalypse because that is exactly what living through the Trump regime feels like.

Of course, this is also exactly what we have come to expect from Donald: a complete disaster. An expensive and unnecessary disaster entirely of his own making. So, as always, credit where credit is due. Donald, well done.

Welcome to this week’s episode of Trump Trolls Trump. It has now been 537 days since Inauguration Day, January 20, 2025. Thank you once again to the 78 million people who voted for him. And thank you to the more than 80 million eligible voters who could not even be bothered to vote. Truly.

Now, we do know that at least one person was extraordinarily proud of the fireworks display. In fact, he seemed so overwhelmed by the spectacle that he could barely contain his excitement. Yes, Donald was doing what he does best: sleeping through very loud, very bright fireworks. Actually, no. That was not sleeping. That was loss of consciousness brought on by overwhelming humiliation. There he was exercising perhaps the only genuine superpower he possesses, the remarkable ability to sleep sitting upright under the loudest and brightest conditions imaginable.

Just before the fireworks began, Donald took the stage. He claimed that there had originally been 375,000 people in attendance before storms forced everyone to leave. Then, according to Donald, he told somebody to “bring my people back,” and somehow another 150,000 people returned simply to hear him speak. Did they? That seems more than a little unlikely, especially judging by the photographs and video footage we have all seen.

Donald: Tonight we come together for one of the most joyous and glorious milestones of all time. And you know what that is? The 250th anniversary. And I do have to say this, one of my very brilliant people backstage said, “Don’t worry. Backstage, there’s plenty of seating out front.”

Apparently there was.

Just to remind us once again what an extraordinary student of American history Donald is, let’s hear what he had to say about the Civil War during his rambling speech.

Donald: Few heroes remind us of these truths more than William Carney, who escaped slavery to become a Union soldier in the Civil War, which was a very big, big deal at the time.

Was it?

No way.

The Civil War was a big deal at the time?

I honestly never knew that.

I truly do not know what to say.

Because we all deserve to stay informed about Donald’s latest grifts, he also hosted a Trump Accounts launch event inside the Oval Office this week, allegedly celebrating a new federal investment program for American children. Personally, I think we should just start children gambling as early as possible. Why stop there? Let’s get every kid a Polymarket account and a Kalshi account while we’re at it.

Anyway. Here is Donald attempting to explain something.

Donald: There’s a thing called TikTok. Have you heard of it? I was watching Maria Bartiromo this morning. She’s fantastic. They were talking about the dangers of TikTok because it’s Chinese and all the spying. Well, except the new numbers just came out. You know who’s number one on TikTac by far? Trump. Me. I’m number one. Taylor Swift was number eleven. I’m number one by far. They sent me the list. Number one, number two. I was number one by a lot. I think it helped me win the election in a landslide.

There is apparently somebody working inside the White House whose full-time job consists of inventing statistics, printing them on official-looking paper, and handing them to Donald so he can confidently repeat them in public. He is not number one on TikTok. But even if he were, apparently national security concerns cease to matter the moment Donald personally benefits from them.

Later in the week, Donald spoke to reporters from the Rose Garden and decided to lecture the country about a subject with which he is intimately familiar: criminals.

This is what Donald said:

Ninety-one percent of the crime in Washington, D.C., as an example, was caused by 2.1 percent of the population. These are career criminals. Sick people. Mental problems.

Donald really should stop looking into mirrors while giving speeches. When he talks about career criminals and deeply disturbed people, he is speaking from extensive personal experience. He has spent his entire adult life committing crimes. The only meaningful difference between Donald and most career criminals is that he has never experienced the consequences. He has never gone to prison. As a result, he simply continues committing more crimes.

There were also significant political developments this week. Maine Democratic Senate candidate Graham Platner withdrew from the race after serious and, I have to say, highly credible allegations that he sexually assaulted a woman. Platner, who proved himself to be exactly what many of us feared from the very beginning, a deeply depraved narcissist, finally dropped out on Thursday, leaving Democrats only a few weeks to find a new candidate capable of taking on Susan Collins.

That, however, did not stop Republicans from lecturing everybody else about character, integrity, and the importance of holding bad candidates accountable. So when Fox State TV rolled out former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy this week, he was more than happy to deliver exactly that message because, apparently, somebody is still paying him to say these absolutely insane things.

McCarthy: The one thing I know about Republicans, when we had a very bad candidate and found out, we didn’t vote for that person. We walked away. For better or for worse. When Matt Gaetz came forward, we got rid of him.

Well, they did it once. Congratulations.

Let’s see. George Santos. David Vitter. Dennis Hastert. Newt Gingrich. The list is remarkably long. But I’m trying to think of a Republican politician whose name might resonate with even more people so we can fully appreciate just how breathtaking this hypocrisy really is.

Let’s see.

He was found liable for sexual abuse and defamation.

He has been credibly accused of sexual assault by more than two dozen women.

He stole highly classified government documents.

What on earth was his name?

Donald Trump.

That’s right.

So tell me again, Kevin, how Republicans always get rid of bad candidates?

Tell me how the same Republican Party that rallied behind Donald after January 6th is somehow the party of character and integrity.

If Kevin McCarthy had possessed even one ounce of integrity and stood by what he initially said after January 6th, we might not be living through this second Trump occupation today. Instead, only days after Donald almost got him killed by a violent mob, Kevin climbed aboard a plane, flew to Mar-a-Lago, and kissed Donald’s ring.

So please, spare me the lectures about Republicans holding their own accountable.

Speaking of bad candidates, that brings us, finally, to Baby J.D. Vance, who traveled to Milwaukee this week to promote the Trump regime’s anti-fraud initiative.

Actually...

No.

That doesn’t sound quite right.

Their pro-fraud initiative.

Yes, that feels much more accurate.

Officially, the White House insisted the event was about combating government waste, fraud, and abuse, which apparently has now become one very long word: wastefraudabuse.

Curiously absent from the discussion were subjects such as flying two Air Force Ones to Europe at the same time or the countless other examples of government waste generated by the Trump regime itself.

In reality, this was simply another midterm campaign stop in the battleground state of Wisconsin, where J.D. Vance attempted to do what he always attempts to do: energize Republican voters.

Baby J.D.: So I ask you a very simple question. When you come to vote in November, are you going to vote for the pro-fraud party? Are you going to vote for the party who is sending your tax money to the fraudsters? No, we’re going to support the party that is sending the fraudsters to jail and is protecting your money. We’re going to vote for Derrick Van Orden and for Bryan Steil.

So...

The eleven people in the audience are apparently voting for Democrats?

Is that what just happened?

Honestly, J.D. Vance should quit his day job and become a motivational speaker because I don’t know about you, but after watching his performance, I feel considerably better about Democratic chances in the midterm elections.

I have to say, I have never seen someone work so hard to generate so little enthusiasm.

Perhaps that’s his real political gift.

Well, thank you so much for joining me for another episode of Trump Trolls Trump.

Remember, mockery is one of our greatest superpowers. Authoritarians desperately want to be feared. They want to be treated as powerful, untouchable, and inevitable. Ridicule reminds them that they are none of those things.

We’ll be back next week to continue ridiculing this inept, corrupt, and profoundly misguided administration because, as always, they simply cannot help themselves.

They keep giving us more material than we could ever ask for.