690 Comments

Andy Borowitz: Monday’s Inauguration will see the temperature and IQ dive into the twenties, according to official forecasts.

That figure will not be a historically low temperature but will be a record low IQ, experts say.

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was my laugh of the day

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Jan 25Edited
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cheap insertion of advertisement into the un adulterated thinking space ?!?!

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Jesus said that if you bless and pray for your enemies it’s like dumping hot coals on their heads. It will be interesting to see what happens.

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In recovery, I learned to pray for those i resented - to pray for them to have what I wanted. It helps dissolve the resentment. I want to be peaceful, kind, compassionate. I'd hope for those things for the MAGAts, but honestly, I want 47 to stroke out.

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I’d like the idiots who voted Orange Hitler and Muskolini into power to either convert to democracy or preferably just stroke out with their leaders, all of them. Would also help control excess population in the USA, limit the stupid gene pool , and free up jobs for those fleeing oppression in Central and South America to enter the US legally and work towards citizenship. Makes sense to me in 🇨🇦

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The last time a republican president ask Mexico for labor help during the war, as soon as the war ended they released Operation Wetback and arrested and deported the workers. Many who had married and started families. Republicans are evil.

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You are a much kinder person than I am praying for those you resent . A real Christian at last!

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I'm now an atheist, so fuck 'em for reals!

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I like the first part of your message. I think it was the Dalai Lama who said even the worst among us have a spark of goodness in them. We may have to dig deep to find it but it's there and worth supporting.

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Check out the trial of the Waukesha Christmas Parade Attacker, Darrell Brooks. You'll change your mind about that spark of goodness.

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Oh, amen! I'm a retired counselor who didn't like all my clients but absolutely loved 98% of them. I remember one in particular who scared me to the depths of my soul. One only need read about, say, Andrei Chikatilo (or Joseph Stalin or Adolph Hitler or fucking Donald Trump) to know that some people are just born evil.

Oh, wait, Hitler was traumatized by not getting into art school! Oh, wait, Trump received no love from his father! These fuckers were flawed. It's called sociopathy. History knows.

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spark of goodness, my posterior. crappy, feaces for human beings should have long suffering. death is too good for them.

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Yeah I learned in recovery that to release from the bondage of resentment, one must forgive. That’s one of the paths to serenity promised in the 12 steps. I have a hard time taking your recovery seriously when you denigrate people by calling them magats or wishing harm on the president.

And let’s not forget the #1 block to seeking truth and a cardinal sin in the journey to serenity. And that’s “Contempt prior to investigation”

I see a lot of contempt in here and as the upcoming investigations unfold on the J6 committee, the 51 intel officers that just got stripped of their security clearances, the weaponized DOJ, the gain of function research, the perjury etc. as these investigations happen it behooves any individual that seeks truth to throw away your bias, and look at the testimonies objectivity, as opposed to subjectively. That’s the path to serenity.

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Trump called Budde nasty. That's pretty hateful, and all because she reminded him to have mercy. You know, like Christians are supposed to. He IS Christian, isn't he? Hello? Yes? No?

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Nasty is trump's go to word for a strong woman.

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tRump a Christian ~ are you kidding me? He doesn't even know the meaning of the word, nor would he know what that involves!!!!!!!

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I'll take that as "no, he's not".

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Are you happy that Trump released 1500 terrorists from jail?

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Just like he agreed to releasing 5000 Taliban fighters in Afghanistan. He said they agreed not to retaliate. They sped directly to the capital slaughtering people along the way. Trump didn't even wait for our military personnel to evacuate. Trump is vile and enjoys watching the helpless be victimized by thugs.

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May also be path to fascism, but, hey, at least you’ll be serene

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Yeah I know! Did you see Barack and Hitler laughing it up at Carter's funeral? Wow! Oh and Biden telling Hitler Welcome home! Funny as hell! Oh wait - this just in.. Gavin Newsom waiting for Hitler in LA, meets him at AF-1, and kisses Hitlers ring. SHOCKING. When do we start rounding up the jews? THIS IS FASCINATING

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Huh? What you smokin'? I don't want any.

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What are you even talking about??? I think perhaps your road to recovery differs tremendously from mine.

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You need to watch something besides Faux News, dude.

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Faux news is not for me. I prefer congressional investigations, independent media, and solid journalists like Julie Kelly. Any news organization that caves to dominion and pays them 800 million for God knows what ain’t for me. But hey I’m loving how George slopodopoulous paid Trump 15 million because of the defamation conviction. And Trumps lawyers humiliated ABC. Talk about public humiliation, isn’t that funny? Oh and Fake news CNN losing the biggest and most scandalous defamation lawsuit in 50 years for flat out lying about that dude saving lives in Ukraine. Say what you want about Trump, but he’s taken a sledgehammer to these Fake news outlets for good. That helps you and me. Both. That’s why Trump is so popular and winning the youth vote. Godspeed sir.

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I couldn't say it better than these guys...

"Who put those daggers in your eyes?

Who rained all over your blue skies?

Who inflicted you with pain?

I cry for you once again

They cast a shadow on your soul.

They try to sell everything you own.

They sit and wait for your decay.

I cry for you once again."

I don't actually cry for you, though.

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Just 15 million? That's chump change compared to the Faux News/Tucky payout. The CNN lawsuit by the pu$$y Trump was "the most scandalous defamation lawsuit in 50 years"? Which one was better then? You need to get out more, dude.

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My favourite was Jones getting kicked in the ass for spreading lies about mass murder victims. It's just too bad the court declined to let The Onion take over his site. That would have been hilarious.

You a fan of his? You seem the type.

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I suppose that so many of your Trumpist talking points show up in places other than Faux News. They must have "caved" for a reason, like maybe they lied so much that they knew a trial was going to be worse.

How'd that Biden impeachment thingy work out for y'all? It's pretty tough when the only witness you could come up with is a Russian fool, and ended up in jail for his perjurous troubles. Good luck with your January 6 witch hunt. I's too bad clowns like Johnson don't bother actually governing instead. I guess it's hard when you don't know how.

Do you also think it's funny that 1500 terrorist were let of jail by your messiah? Now THERE'S a good look!

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As you well know, then, it's progress, not perfection. But you keep doing you, boo. Pick and choose. I'm a fallible human being.

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Yes, progress not perfection. That's a good one. We are on the same page, Thank you. Godspeed.

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I'm glad to hear you're stepping up to join the front lines when Trump decides to attack Greenland, Panamá and Canada. Do you think ol' Corporal Bone Spurs will lead the charge, or will he be yelling at the TV while he's safely tucked away in Mar-a-Lago?

You'd be stupid enough to go to war on his command, wouldn't you?

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I think you're allowed at least one.

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Yes! I prayed for a boss who sexually harassed me. It took a year, but the resentment disappeared. That's one example. I refuse to for trump. A. I'm now an atheist, but I certainly could reach out to nature, which works for me. B. No. I hate him to the depths of my soul, and it's okay. He is evil. I don't seek to forgive evil.

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Evil is not something that should be forgiven, unless it repents, which it never does. It needs to be fought and contained at every turn. Glad you're on board.

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"MAGAts." Love that. he's not gonna have a stroke, he's gonna live to 100 and have a third, fouth term. I cant believe the dude survived that assasination attempt, just by turning his friggin head, but my amazing, beautiful, giving, kind hearted mother -in law just goes for a frickin hike by herself ( which she did regularly) in mount Rokko and 6 months later, they still cant find the body. solid proof that anal sphincters like my father and orange hitler never die, only the good ones do.

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LOL! And so it was!

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Totally agree sir!!🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲

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Nice comeback - it’s going to be a long four years for you - are you taking donations?

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Boasting that it was “like taking candy from a baby,” on Wednesday Elon Musk tricked Donald J. Trump into signing a reverse mortgage on the White House.

“All these years, you’ve fixed it, you’ve taken care of it,” Musk told Trump in the Oval Office. “Maybe it’s time for your home to start taking care of you.”

“There you go,” he whispered into Trump’s ear, putting the pen in his tiny hand.

Assuming ownership of the White House was just the latest real estate coup for Musk, who earlier in the week tricked Trump into signing over the deed to Mar-a-Lago.😎🤑

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Because this nonsense shows up in my feed.

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Borowitz is the biggest loser of them all - he’s who you emulate?

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You sound like an angry loser. Cheer up!

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Ok

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Loser ^^^

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Feel better?

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I am drinking coffee with a croissant 🥐. How about you?

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It’s your smugness that did you in - maybe someday you will learn that you’re not as smart as you think - you supported a dementia patient for four years and would have reelected him.

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Trump is demented, and has been for a long time.

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appropriate user name

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How do you like Trump releasing all those terrorists and cop beaters? I bet that gives you a woody!

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Rock hard all the time - that’s MAGA

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Explains all the raping you guys do...no self control.

Trump was pretty funny last night on Hannity, huh? Blurted out that Biden's pardons were more important than the economy. He has a way of saying the quiet part out loud.

Enjoy your 25% inflation! Hope that woody helps you through!

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And days after the election saying changing the price of groceries is hard. These MAGAts are the worst of America - uneducated, racist, hypocritical, sexist, idiots. When there's no social security, food stamps, or assistance, i will laugh my ass off.

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Why are you here? Trolling a liberal site sparks some sadistic joy? Can we have anything without you people? You won. Go enjoy his failed promises.

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Its a really strange and honestly scary feeling knowing this evil gangster has taken power in America... I cannot remember a time in my life where I was genuinely afraid for the countrys and my own prospects. Just knowing that so many people in America are so susceptible to populism is insane. I can imagine that Hitler's rise to power was very similar, he promised to make Germany great again. But with Hitler the population had a REASON to turn to populism. Germany had a really rough time after WWI and he promised to fix it. But here, we have become so spoiled and unable to cope with even the slightest of problems in our lives that a little bit of inflation or whatever the issues people are dealing with is enough to throw democracy out the window... I just don't understand how, after he said SAID IT with his own mouth over and over that he going to try and cut federal funding for social security, food stamps, and Obamacare, and these people, who utterly rely on these programs... We're db enough to vote for him. Fox news is god damn poison, worse than fentanyl it's a toxic disgusting poison on our society like nothing we've ever seen before those people are evil incarnate. I pray that somehow, some way someone stops h from taking my disability or medical or foods stamps I could not survive at all without them...

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As someone told me, you will be fine. Don't let them destroy your daily life. Do you think all of us here are going to watch innocent people get deported? Not on our watch. We have voices, we have representatives like this forum who aren't going to sit back and be subservient. No one is taking away your disability or food stamps. We won't let them, I promise you that. It's illegal and will take a hell of a long time to change if anyone tries. They will fail. They are already failing because hateful people can't work together without destroying each other. I experienced that in corporate America and I promise you this is no different, and a lot worse.

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Thanks for your spirit of defiance. You're right cutting programs like Social Security would be a huge effort and an extremely unpopular one. It's only 2 yrs til the midterms and then hopefully Trump supporters will be singing a different tune.

People of the LIE a book by Scott Peck describes the Trump cabinet even though it was written in the 80's.

America has been fortunate in that she hasn't been tested like other country's who suffered through war and destruction. This next 4 years will be a test of how much Americans value democracy.

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I have reread People of the Lie since the D was reelected. Clearly a correlation. For people who haven't read it he talks about confusion as key weapon in an "evil" person's arsenal....

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My goodness it's amazing it's still in print. Peck also stresses that evil leaves chaos in it's wake.

In an effort to learn about how people historically have responded to tyrrany I read about Vaclav Havel, Czech dissident who became President. His recommendation is to hold onto Hope. Sounds simplistic but he and others reiterate that no tyrant can do anything to one's inner commitment to Love and Hope.

I found a wonderful website called The Marginalian operated by Maria Popova who knows about tyrrany having lived through it.

One of the other writers/poets Maria includes is Walt Whitman's thoughts on democracy. His point is we seem to expect democracy to progress onward but of course it doesn't. It goes forward and takes falls backwards but learns and moves ahead.

Obviously democracy is falling backwards with Trump but we the people cannot lose Hope but hold onto our beliefs that "this too shall pass."

Recommend the website for it's beauty, relevance, emphasis on resilience of the human spirit.

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…and decency.

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We can only hope

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Now trump, who probably heard what people are saying, just said his "cabinet will get along" 🙄 how interesting 🤔

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Ha! Psychopaths and narcissists. The cabinet will eat itself. Vivek is first to go.

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You will be fine. President Trump loves all Americans. Even the ones that hate him.

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What are you smoking? He certainly does not like transgenders, LGBT folks, the poor, Haitians, most immigrants, the homeless, and more. He looks down on blacks and other people of color. He views women as objects to be preyed upon and discarded, and does not care one wit if women’s lives are constrained by forced pregnancies, even ones caused by rape. He will not commit to making sure that everyone has access to even basic healthcare. He will press ahead with tariffs and other actions that will cause economic harm to everyone but the richest Americans. He has vowed to use his power to go after numerous political foes and government officials who would pointed out the truth who would not do his bidding. According to you he “loves all Americans.” Huh???????

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No he does not! He only loves himself and he's trying to keep his behind out of prison! Has he promised anything besides sending troops to the border

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He belongs in prison. His new job or hideout, allows him to run free....until it doesn't. Stay tuned and buckle up!

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He will build a wall, too.

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I'm Canadian. We're building a wall to keep him out.

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I certainly hope not! Our statue of liberty welcomes all to our country! I repeat! Our country! He may be president but he is not king!

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Ha ha! Just like the last wall?

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???? Thought he did that in term one

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He is a monster, out for revenge! He won but he can't let it go! What a sick man

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He won with Putin's help. Now he owes him. If you don't believe me, Putin said so in the Moscow newspaper. Personally, if I were him I would avoid food, elevators and windows.LOL>

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Jan 21
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I believe that is true

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I suspect that was sarcasm but it is hard to tell in print wo vocal tone!

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Of course he doesn’t love all Americans. Haven’t you been listening to him. He’s said he will take vengeance and most of us, knowing how evil he is believe it.

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Dude, you are in the Willfully Ignorant cult. Diaper Don loves nobody but himself.

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You are probably a bot but,on the off chance that you breath air, you are a deluded fool. STOP speaking and grow up.

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Lol. Nice kool-aid you're drinking. Be very careful of the after effects.

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He loves himself-that's it.

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Jan 21
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I just noticed that today! He looks many years older. Other presidents' hair turned white but their faces remained nice. His face reflects what a horrible person he is

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Walk through any large hospital psych ward and you will see those same eyes!

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Jan 21Edited
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That’s the ugliness of his soul manifesting itself in His features

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We may not agree on a lot but that has to be a troll saying he loves everyone.

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Unless it’s sarcasm??

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How can he put an end to birthright citizenship? Is that even possible?

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It will be very tough since it is in the Constitution. Legal battles will follow any attempt on his part.

Also, isn’t Elon an immigrant? His mother is Canadian, but I think his father is South African. If so, he’s a birthright citizen and therefore should leave.

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Trump already fired Elon - was he uncomfortable having a true billionaire telling him what to do when he has been a spongy fraud all his life ?

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No he took legal citizenship in both Canada and USA as an adult; born in S Africa

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I don't think so!

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He does not have the Executive power to change the Constitution only Congress can by I think 2/3 vote ? But he did not swear an oath ON the bibles sp he can later claim he never swore legally to obey the Constitution.

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who says being sworn in as POTUS has to be done on a WASPy Bible ? What if you are a Jew or an Arab or a Hindu or even Chinese - they cannot be POTUS?

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TBH I think that should be changed. We shouldn't be incentivizing people to come here illegally and being born here making you an automatic citizen incentivizes that. As much as I know immigration is a source of strength it def needs to be regulated and done right or you have a net negative. Take for instance Canada's recent experience with immigration where they opened up to millions of immigrants and then ended up with a horrible housing crisis because of it. I despise trump but some of his takes do have points. If there wasn't some truth to some of the problems he points out people wouldn't be supporting him.

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He told Republicans to vote down a bipartisan immigration bill last fall so that immigration would be an issue in this election.

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Setting it up

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YOU FAIL TO ACKNOWLEDGE EVERY WASP ON THIS CONTINENT IS OFFSPRING OF SOME DESPERATE IMMIGRANTS FLEEING ONGOING EXPLOITATION BY SOME RICH AUTHORITATIVE ASSHOLES AT HOME

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What does that have to do with anything? People can come here legally. You're a fool if you think a country can just allow the entire worlds disaffected population to come here with no restrictions. I'm not saying we should close our borders but we should not make it easier and more enticing the illegally come here. You have to live in reality man, nations have borders for a reason. unchecked immigration can be extremely damaging to a country if it's not done right.

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Our problem here was overseas ownership of homes by profiteers who left them vacant in major cities. Tax on empty homes helped that🇨🇦

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We have had to also cut back on immigration but only very recently and only for I believe a couple of years the numbers being more limited now.🇨🇦

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Interesting 🤔

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Jan 21Edited
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Great answer.

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it was discussed somewhat on news tonight - if a bimbo is here illegally and births a brat while here illegally - that brat is not automatically American any more

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There should be a lot of push back on this one. I'm not sure it's possible either.

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It's not possible

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It's wild to me how people can become so enamored with someone who just spews lies 24/7. I feel sorry for you really I do. I can only imagine how empty your soul is. I was listening to the inauguration yesterday and the promises he makes are just hilarious. You really think this con man, this actor, this managed brand, cares about YOU. And that he's capable of just waving a magic wand and fixing all the countries problems lol. How can you have already forgotten the complete ineptitude we experienced only 4 short years ago? Do you just not remember the shit show that was his first term? All the promises will fail to be fulfilled, well, all the ones except cutting taxes for the oligarchs. What you fools don't get is that is ALL his candidacy is about. He is there to make the rich richer at any cost at the expense of literally everyone else. You should be ashamed of yourself for not learning critical thinking skills at any point of your life. You people have sold out America and are 100% traitors. The founding fathers are turning in their graves and you think you're a patriot lol. Mind blowing... you think you're going to benefit but you're too stupid to realize you're nothing but a tool for the oligarchs. When your company busts it's union and you're making half what you did 4 years ago and the oligarchs own literally 99% of everything all they'll have to do is pass the blame to someone else and you morons will swallow it hook line and sinker. You make me sick... like genuinely you make me ill to my stomach. you've sold out the country and your own children's future for some ridiculous promises from a man who literally is incapable of not lying every time he opens his mouth. Future generations will look back on you and you ilk and be so ashamed of this country. You are America's brownshirts. The selfish scum who swept Hitler into power. Patriots lol... suckers.

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Yes he is a practiced Con man and we know why he wanted to be president again instead of retiring to play golf but that wouldn't keep him out of prison

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If you are truly ill to your stomach, it could be acid reflux or gerd. But for mild symptoms, try pepto bismol, mylanta, or other on the shelf products. Hope you feel better. Godspeed sir.

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Trump doesn’t care about me or you or this country or Mr even his own family. He only cares about himself and what he can take for himself and he’s proven he’s above the law

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Why did he yell they’re eating the dogs!!! They’re eating the cats!!!”. That’s very hateful.

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Bullshit!

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Elvis sang a song for people like you ! https://youtu.be/-unOfZiTM_0

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Whatever you're on, I'll take it.

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I quit inebriates, in 1996. I'm of clear mind, body and soul. I'd love to make a recommendation, but that is not my field of expertise. Thanks for engaging. Godspeed.

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Whatever you're on, I'll take it. :)

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And who is we? I’d like to join you. As far as I know, “we” is us. I am in several local, State and Nat groups and “we”have not figured out how to be effective yet. In my “blue” state the dem gov is a huge sycophant “looking forward to working with RFk Jr. to improve our health.” Uh huh. One of our colleges has already changed its DEI office name to the Office of Collaboration, The Capitol here is preparing for deportations not by resisting or protecting targetting of innocent people, but by looking for foster families. Our elected reps in D.C. could not summon one more vote to protect our DOD from an ignorant, incompetent alcoholic, woman abuser, mysogenist, racist Nazi and Putin booster and syncophant from Fox Noise. The President, VP, and all the people he nominates and takes advice and money from mostly share same characteristics. Dedicated government workers are being rapidly replaced by know-nothing ideologues there to say Heil Drumpf.

Project 2025 implementation will slash social safety net programs, protection of our human and worker rights, health, economy, education and environment.

Protection lies in community, and community us the anti-dote to despair. But we are largely siloed, and not mobilized to resist. Local officials and organizations are giving in “in advance” of being forced to, making takeover easy and normalizing the fascists.

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Jan 20
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Apply for refugee status in Canada as a back up plan; based on disabilities you may be able to just in case; if it doesn’t happen as feared great! If it does you d have an option here ; we re not great on disability support but IF you re being discriminated against there because of disability ie cut off social security etc at least we have universal health coverage as a refugee fleeing a hostile state discriminating against disabled people you may be able to qualify for status here, or asylum provided our own right wing moron doesn’t get power. Worth a try!

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I'm a felon for buying my medications from india 15 years ago when I could not afford to get them from the doctor. They spent millions investigating me for just buying xanax online. I just couldn't afford to go to a doctor. So Canada won't take me. At least it gets me out of Jury duty most of the time. lol. This country is so broken, we lock people in cages for drugs... like in my head this is like putting people in cages with cancer or something. being a drug addict is already the most horrendous punishment. America is the most drug fueled country in the world, and instead of creating a reasonable framework of laws and legalizing them, we should add to the hell addicts endure by destroying their souls the rest of the way by putting them in a cage lol. America is the worst... humanity is the worst really.

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Matthew, You should consider writing a book about your experiences. Even if you end up self-publishing, it'll be worthwhile to share your experiences with the very large segment of people who cannot afford meds. Now that tRump has changed the price cap President Bidan just put on certain drugs, millions of seniors and people with medical challenges need to know their options, and which courses of action to avoid. Please think about it?

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Lol if you only knew my life story... it would sell millions of copies. But I'm no writer. After that stuff with buying my meds from india in 2012 I lost my job as a security guard, they took my license for 15 years. I am not proud of it but i was desperate and started selling drugs on the dark web. I was literally a month away from being on the street with nothing. I've had addiction problems my entire life dealing with severe mental health problems. Anyways, I ended up making over a million dollars in 2 years and got caught a couple years later when someone told on me, did 4 1/2 years in federal prison and got out in the summer of 2023. They took all my money of course. My life story really does read like a book lol. I'm so passionate about finding new ways to deal with the drug problem in America because it truly does stem from a mental health crisis and the pointless war we are fighting on drugs is doing nothing whatsoever but harm to millions of Americans and their families, children growing up their entire childhoods without a parent for having the wrong chemical... that kid doesn't deserve that, and we know that these kids are many times more likely to end up on a wrong path. We spend over 100k a year to keep someone in Prison in America. Imagine if instead of locking drug addicts (AND dealers, remember that most dealers started out as users who couldn't afford to buy their drugs, whioch would be affordable if not for prohibition) in cages we took that money and helped them get treatment, it's so much money to keep someone locked up you can literally pay for an apartment, food, a car even. We could be putting lives back together for FAR less money instead of completely destroying people's souls forever, which is exactly what prison does. I'll never be the same. I'm a much harder person today... I just cannot stress how much suffering prisoners go through. You honestly just cannot imagine the damage it does to your psyche. People get out of prison with NOTHING and are completely broken. I was lucky enough to have a grandma who let me live with her. But so so many people are released to the street with nothing but a bunch of hoops they have to jump through with probation. Family forgets about you but not after suffering greatly along with you when you first go to prison. You are then branded for LIFE with the felon brand. Good luck finding a decent job with a drug conviction. You are barred from some assistance programs, you LITERALLY cannot rent an apartment in ANY apartment complex with a felony, they just refuse to rent to felons, how is this not illegal (i understand in sex offence cases) what do you think people are going to do when they get out and have no way to take care of themselves??? They just go back to what they were doing, and these prison industry unions and their lobbies count on it. It's job security. Which is why every time anything comes up in congress to try and stop this pointless war on the poor and suffering, they show up in force to lobby to keep these draconian pointless laws in place and sentences insanely high. Why is the prison lobby spending money to lobby congress to keep up a war on drugs that fills their prison? Think about that. It's a sick and completely broken system.

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How sad

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At 79 years of age I don't want to lose the social security that I worked many years for! I'm so sad for others in my situation and I'd like to know what fools believed his lies and voted for this fool. God help us!

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